Asking for what we need can be difficult. I seem to have gotten a message early in my life that I had to do things myself. I thought if I needed help, that reflected poorly on me. I don’t know if that is more prevalent for those of us who are older or it is common whatever the age, and in both women and men.
When Ron first started showing symptoms of Alzheimer’s, it took me a while to see that it wasn’t something I understood or could address with the skills and resources that were familiar to me.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to reach out and get more information about Alzheimer’s Disease. But even the simple act of obtaining more information didn’t come easily at that time, as it meant I would have to face what may be happening to Ron and ultimately to our lives.
Then, once I hooked up with the Alzheimer’s Association and had access to information and support, I did okay for a while. Learning more about the disease and getting into a support group where I met others who were also caring for a loved one, helped a lot. I didn’t feel so alone. In the classes, I also learned about the importance of taking care of ourselves. They used the analogy of flying, when we’re reminded to put our oxygen mask on first before helping others.
As time went on, Ron’s care became more complicated and more demanding of me. I learned to reach out even more and began to understand that was okay. In fact, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t up for the task. It was okay to ask for help, either because I didn’t know what to do or I simply needed help.
I got help with Ron whether it was getting someone to come in and care for him, taking him to day care, or using respite care where I could leave him for up to two weeks. I asked friends and relatives to help me pack when I was moving us to a one-level house. I eventually got help with the yard work and cleaning house. Things I had always done myself.
Toward the end of my memoir Courageous Hearts, I noted that,
I could trust myself to handle whatever arose. That did not mean that I had to have it figured out or do it by myself. I had learned that it was okay not to know and to ask for help without feeling that I was a failure.
A good reminder that when we can no longer live in the ways that have been familiar to us, we have the opportunity to learn new things, and see things from a different perspective.
