When Ron first started experiencing the initial symptoms of Alzheimer’s, I could tell that something was a bit off with him. He seemed to be aware of that too, but we both thought it was something that could be fixed. After all, most ailments can be fixed with some combination of medications, time, and occasionally, therapy of some sort. That in itself was the way things normally are.
As time went on, his unusual behavior became more apparent. He stopped doing things that he ordinarily did, like clean out the vegetable garden at the end of the season, cleaning up the kitchen after his meals, and paying his bills. I became a little more concerned and curious why he would suddenly do that when he had been so responsible earlier in his life.
Those things were also impacting my life a bit more and we talked about it, but I was sure he would get back on track and things would be normal once again.
Then some things happened that really got my attention. One day he was going to help with cleaning the house as he had always done, and he couldn’t figure out how to turn on the vacuum.
Then there was the day he got lost while returning some books to the library. It was about that time that he himself recognized something was amiss and went to see a therapist he knew who specialized in issues related to aging.
It was a gradual process and slowly “normal,” as we had known it, was becoming a thing of the past. At the same time it became apparent that the new behaviors he was exhibiting were unfixable.
As the disease progressed, when Ron seemed to reach a plateau, I could see myself jumping in and trying to hold on to that as a new “normal,” though those experiences were very short-lived. Clearly my comfort level was still based on having things be normal, even though the entire experience was abnormal from a broader perspective.
Gradually, over the course of his disease, I learned to let go of normal and see things newly. And eventually, by being present to each situation as it arose, I was able to respond without trying to force it into some framework with which I was familiar.
As I have gone on with my life, I am very grateful to have learned that. It has allowed me to be more flexible, accepting of whatever is occurring, and interact with things in a new way without trying to change them or put them into a box of some sort. And from a broader perspective, I can see that “normal” is only a product of our imagination and a framework in which to hold things, in order to make us feel more comfortable both individually and culturally.
